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Why It's Not An Woman Job To Heal A Broken Man

Lately, I’ve been feeling raw and I feel like it something I need to get off my chest. When it come to my writing, I’ve been censored. Worrying about who I will hurt with my words. Because if you know me, then you know when I have something to say then I will say it. Even if it mean I will leave blood on the floor. However, as KRS ONE once said, “the measure of ignorance comes when you take something simple and make it too complicated.” This morning, I finally sat down and watched the notorious interview with Pastor John Gray giving his perspective on his marriage and more specifically his "thoughts" his beloved wife, whom he recognized as a pillar in his journey helping him become the man that he is today. I have nothing but respect for him, at least he spoke his truth instead of lying about the challenges being a man today. However, many of the problematic statements he made left me speechless. Before I go deep in my point let me be clear for about one thing. While a black woman do have the power to heal the wounds of a broken man, it’s not our job to heal something that we didn’t break. However, to think that it something wrong with helping someone who is unable to help themselves is backward. No one want to be in a relationship where you feel more like a parent, than a spouse. Nonetheless, it will come a time when your man will face a battle that he is too weak to fight alone. He will need you and the choice will be yours to whether you will let him sink or help him fight. Women think that it solely hard for them to let down their walls, when it’s also hard for a man as well. If he feel like he cant let his walls down around you, then he will just build another wall higher than the one he already has up. Always remember, a man weakness is his woman, and a woman love is a man strength.


In the interview, Pastor Gray stated, “My wife has endured more pain birthing me than both of our children. She has sacrificed, these last eight years, uncovering the painful areas of my manhood and covering the areas that could have exposed me. She deserves anything I can give her... I'm going to live the rest of my life to honor her because she gave me what I couldn't give myself, which is chance to heal, while I still seeing the God in me." that statement left many women wondering, “Is this the only way to find love?” That statement is the reason why many men enter relationships half ass simply because they know a woman will give her all to heal him. Many people don’t understand the struggle of being alone, hell no one is open enough to share how being alone is hard. Sharing your feelings is hard when no one is trying to understand them. When a woman is lonely it shows, more than her success. She get tired of being strong. And once she tired of being strong, that when she attract a patient. As Derrick Jaxn stated, “What is the price that any woman can expect to have to pay to try to love a broken man? What scars that she still dealing with 'till this day that will never heal. The point is you can love someone is broken with all your heart, but it not enough love in the world to heal them until they uncover they are the doctor.

Whoever came up with the idea that love is pain was not in a healthy relationship. So many women are under the assumption that in order to fully accept someone, you must find your partner’s unacceptable behavior acceptable. You’ll find them making excuses, relishing in the good times and justifying horrible behavior because they don’t want to be one of “those girls” who always complains. We hear it all the time, how we make a small problems “bigger” than what it is when it is a "huge" problem. In the age of men declaring that “hoes aren’t loyal,” they selfishly misidentify the loyal ones as those who put up with anything they do. While a relationship calls for putting the other person before yourself, it only works if he does the same. Loyalty means staying when time change and they become almost unbearable, not when he is. It is not a service where women must fulfill their own needs and  their boyfriends' needs as well. If he does not recognize that, you should leave. Because first and foremost, you should be loyal to yourself. it’s clear that the ride or die trope normalizes unhealthy behaviors and rewards people for staying in unhealthy relationships where they are routinely neglected and mistreated by their partner. This can be especially harmful to black women who are disproportionally impacted by unhealthy and mentally abusive relationships. Ride or die relationships may as well be interchangeable with unhealthy relationships. When one partner is allowed to control the relationship, they may expect their S.O. to support their every action or decision no matter the consequences. Blind loyalty is not necessary for any type of relationship, yet we’re so quick to give it out not realizing what we’re giving up.

While women has so many opinions about this man wife no one know the pain she dealt with. We always forget that sometimes that people come in our lives for a season, and she haven’t realize yet that the man she fought for is a season in her life. That why many women fear healing a man. Who want to heal a man, just for him to go be his best for another woman. Many will say that sound so selfish, but no one truly knows the pain women deal with, loving someone who refuse to love themselves. A man cannot say that a woman is not loyal when she leaves because he has made it impossible for her to stay. Through it all, the most important thing to remember is you deserve love. It easy to judge and have opinions when you not in the home to witness the true story. But she chose to stay, and she chose to “fight” for the one she loved. Do that make her crazy? No, but she hasn’t realize the damage she cause herself. And it no telling if he will give her the chance to heal herself, like she gave him. I’ve seen so many women settle for crumbs. And for some women sometimes it better to have crumbs, than to have nothing at all. If your partner is not able to provide you what you need, then you need to leave. It sounds so simple, but no one truly knows how hard it is to walk away when your heart is fully intertwine. But hey, what do I know, I’m just here to share my thoughts on my journey of self.

That is All
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Video by YouTube

Comments

Shannon said…
This is why Black women are associated with struggle and poverty love. We have to stop accepting less fr ourselves
Lauren Floyd said…
I agree. Both people in a relationship should be gaining. Making each other better is what it's all about.
Anonymous said…
I don’t do struggle love and I’m for staying with someone who doesn’t know they need to work on themselves.. we all need help at some point but at 48 years I can’t do it
Far too many of us take on that healing role to the detriment of our physical and spiritual health. It has to end. A union should be give and take . Once that becomes a perm imbalance it is time to reevaluate.
Kita said…
I saw the comments on this one and it was whew. I did the struggle love once will never do it again sorry not sorry
Nkem said…
Ooooh - this touched on some very very real elements. Of course, love is not supposed to equal pain. I personally think that a lot of the problem stems from the use of "love" to describe our feelings, to begin with. I also think we (humans) enter relationships too frivolously and with the wrong intentions, and that leads to problems as well.
Terri said…
I really enjoyed this post. This reminds of dating advice someone once told me. Someone told me that you shouldn’t date a project. Relationships aren’t about molding a man and expecting him to change. A bit different than what you are saying in this post but along the same lines of thinking.
TheKendroShow said…
Excellent post and excellent points! Teaching women to heal broken men is also teaching them to accept and be content with abuse in order to “be his peace”. I have a healing aura and I have to know when to turn that off because although it’s unfortunate some people are broken, they will DESTROY you. I’m glad more women are getting hip to this info!
Nadalie Bardo said…
Such truth in this piece, and not just for women. I think a lot of people whether they're aware of it have a saviour complex. Believing they can save or change anyone. It's not your job and in the end they will drag you down.
Shana said…
This topic is pretty deep but a definite good one. Dating is already hard. Taking on another persons struggles can be even more challenging. Lend a good listening ear but don’t lose your sanity trying fix someone.
This is a really good post. Thank you for being open and honest as always.
Ugh I do not like Derrick Jaxn LOL. We have to do better for ourselves as women.

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