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When Its Time to Close The Door On A Friendship


Sometimes you realize that it's time to walk away from a friendship, even if you don't know how. Maybe you just grew apart. Or maybe all of the red flags been there and you now believe that you're better off without that person in your life. That's ok, it happens. When it comes to ending unhealthy friendships, whether it's romantic or platonic, there's a right way to do it. Every relationship in our lives (family, friends, or personal) all have a time clock on it. Sometimes we get used to a person actions, that we no longer speak on it. Hell, we even get so used to it that we tune it and them out. However, one day will come that you know it time to say goodbye even if you’ve known that person for years. Time for “Jubo Story time,” back when I was 21 I became very close to this woman. This woman became like a sister to me. I told this woman everything I mean everything, I trusted this woman like she was my family. Until I started to notice a change in her behavior, my mother warned me not to get to close to her simply because of our age difference (I was 21, she was 28 at the time). And the fact she was a wife and a mother didn’t help her case, but I didn’t listen I really thought this woman was my friend. Until she turned on me, and started telling everyone my business. I didn’t want to believe it until the same day she called me going off accusing me of spreading her business (which wasn’t true at that point I was in the dark of what she had going on she have basically already cut me off). That when I knew it was true, seven years later she reached out trying to fix our friendship claiming her failed marriage was the reason behind her actions. However, the damage was done, and I just say hi when she speaks to me every now and then on Facebook.
Ending a friendship is far worse than ending a relationship for two reasons. The first reason is that a friendship isn't as commitment oriented as a relationship - there is no belief that down the line you and your friend are going to end up being life partners or are friends for the purpose of building a future together. I'm not saying that breakups aren't hard, but I think ending a friendship is worse because you believe that this will be your friend with for a very long time, whereas relationships are unknown and normally have an ending date. The second reason is that mutual friends always get involved, regardless if they try to stay out of the situation. There is no stopping it. If you have a large group of friends, a fallout is bound to make an impact. When our fallout begins, everyone took her side and left me alone. It hurts me, but it shows me how people felt about me. The problem with this is that once everyone gets involved, it becomes even more complicated and make you question who was really has your back. Your mutual friends say they understand the situation and that there won't be any "sides," but they don't and there are. That just what happens when someone is caught in the middle, and you get that, but it doesn't make it any better. Of course, your mutual friends will try to maintain relationships with the both of you, but let's be honest, it never works out that way.
Not every friendship was meant to last. Sometimes, there is a natural drifting apart. Other times, there is a precise moment in which you know your friendship is over. And as much as I wanted to ignore that our friendship was ending I knew that it was near. When I saw her chasing this missing youth, I knew it was close to over. I’m not saying that I was so mature in my 20s, but I had my limits. And I knew that what they consider “fun” wasn’t my type of fun. They were partying every weekend, and I wasn’t into that. I did my dirt but I knew my limit. You can’t live without good friends. But every once in a while, there’s that one friend you are able to survive without. And as time went on I saw that. And as months passed on everyone who turned on me for her, saw her true colors as well. However, as I grew to learn from that situation it only takes one time to cross me and after that one time I’m done with you. Furthermore, even though I didn’t cause the falling out I thought that maybe I was the problem. Maybe I should’ve tired harder or maybe I should have been more open to trying new things at the time. But I realize even if I did all of the things that she considers fun I would be becoming someone that I’m not. I’m no angel, but I always been true to who I am, and I love who I am and if they didn’t like me I really didn’t give a fuck anymore after our fallout.
Not every friendship is lifelong. People grow apart. If you want to end a friendship, whether you've known the person for years, or only a few months, there way to do it. We don't want to hurt people's feelings, but sometimes that's inevitable, and is going to happen no matter what tack we take. It best to walk away than to stay and force a friendship like you would force a relationship. It did hurt to lose her as a friend, because I do remember the time she had my back and I has hers. But even though it ended horribly our friendship had run its course. When it comes time to close that door accept that your friend may be hurt, or defensive. Because there's probably no special way to phrase this rejection but you will get around that. If you have to tell them what they've done that made you end the relationship, let them know in a constructive way. If you don't want to tell them why you're ending things, because you think they wouldn't understand, or they would rag you into a discussion you'd rather not have, then use vague platitudes like, "It's me that's changed," or "I can't give you the friendship you’re looking for." Never give out more information than you'd like to. Stick to your guns even if they aren't accepting what you are telling them. You're not obligated to tell them the truth, nor do you even have to explain yourself after you made yourself very clear. Just like a relationship, you can’t avoid being the bad guy. But it will be a time where you will have to just let it go. In the end all you can do is wish your old friend well and do what's best for yourself.



That is All
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Comments

Crystal Nicole said…
As someone who has never had a lot of friends, especially in my adult life, I haven't quite experienced this but I know it would be somewhat difficult to walk away from any kind of relationship that you've put your energy into. It can be similar to breaking up with a partner because the dynamics are very similar, but people change and we outgrow each other. It's part of life, albeit a hard part.
Leslie Grier said…
This is excellent advice. Better to put distance between yourself and an unhealthful relationship. You do not have to accept other people's values and practices for yourself. I am always suspect of those that try to impose.
Sheena Steward said…
You're two reasons are so true! I think for romantic relationships people think they're gonna date a few people before finding "the one". With friendships we tend to think they will last a lifetime and that's what makes it hurt even more when it ends. I've experienced this recently and it's not a good feeling at all.
I've recently had to let go of a couple of friendships that were extremely toxic. This post is spot on and I'm glad to have stumbled upon it. Wonderful advice given here.
Kita said…
I've said goodbye to friendships over the years. There are seasons in life and some people can't carry over to the next ones. Friends have said goodbye to me too. Sometimes it's not even toxic but our season has ended and that's ok.
Kim said…
I’ve left friends and family alone because they weren’t good for me. You have to do what’s best for you.
There have been a few friendships over time that I've just had to let go of. It's a part of life. What they say about people being in your life for seasons, reasons or lifetimes is so true.
Kiwi said…
Unfortantely I had to close doors on quiet a few friendships because we were growing in opposite directions. Some people also are more toxic than you realize so you have to break up with a friend similar like you would with a lover.
Mimicutelips said…
I cut off my friendship with two long-term friends. One I actually explained why she still did not get it. The other I did not. It was the best decision I have made, it was a burden lifted off of my shoulder.
Carissa G said…
I think the last time I had this issue was after college I could tell the separation was happening then when I got married first you could tell it was even thicker then. But when my son passed away I cut a lot of people, because if you didn't feel the need to reach out to me then there was no need to speak about anything else.
Recently, I am the one that hasn't been a good friend.
When you wrote "Not every friendship is lifelong. People grow apart." I thought that what was going on with me, but when I stepped back I realized that my problem was my friend aren't into tech and I just need to call them and spend quality time with them.
Terri said…
This was a great post. Everything has its season - even friendships. Some seasons may be longer than others but still season nonetheless. I'm just now learning that I need to stop calling people my friends if they never ask how I'm doing.
Holly Dayz said…
Some people are just meant to be around for a season or just a reason to teach us something. Many times people drift apart and there is always time to potentially come back together. Other times you are just over it
Joyce Brewer said…
Some friendships are just for a season. Since I moved and got married, my relationships changed. Once I became a Mother they changed even more.
I probably haven't been the best of friends with people I was once close to just because I don't have the emotional time to give to anything that's not building me up.
Unknown said…
Thank you so much for righting this! I have been looking for a piece to read about seasonal friendships and letting go of them. I cannot wait to read more from you!

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