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Love Letters From Racine:The Pace........

…but see, let’s not confuse the pace with the time. Many times, we look at the time and attach that to our relationships and/or connections. You know, 5 years to the wedding, 90 day rules, 3 day plans, etc. But truthfully, that’s the wrong thing to gauge. What we should attribute our relationships to is the pace. Slow and steady wins the race because there is a consistent pace that keeps one progressing without overextending their efforts. This is the position that many of the greater relationships find themselves.




Now, first we must know that the pace is initially established through the magical concept of synchronicity. Before we can simply “move at a good pace,” we must determine what the common ground is for the person we seek to involve ourselves with. One of the greater illusions we face is establishing and defining the pace AFTER we have developed a relationship. This is an illusion because our “attractions” are really vain afflictions. We get with people for their looks, occupations, financial stability, living situations, etc. Now, this is not to say that those things aren’t important because they are extremely vital to the longevity and progression of relationships, families and generations. However, take all of these things away and what are you left with? If your answer is nothing, you should not be in a relationship; or even thinking of one for that matter. But if you have a definitive answer that is shared between the two of you, no matter how small it may be, that is what you all should be building your pace around; moving to that template. This template can be anything; multiple things. Intelligence, books, the gym, the theater; whatever. But allow that commonality to be the basis of your pace. Use that to explore and understand one another. Within that understanding allow the pace to be solidified by the person who is the slower mover; As the saying goes, a team can only be as strong as the weakest link.




Understand that I am not using weak as a term of inferiority. Rather, as an objective viewpoint to set a foundation. If my car can go 240 mph and your car can go 160 mph, it is ridiculous of me to push 240 when we are supposed to arrive at the same place; at the same time. Conversely, it is even more ridiculous of me to expect you to push beyond 160. It will cause you to redline and exhaust yourself. Moreover, I shouldn’t expect you to set the pace at your maximum. It’s completely unfair to keep you at 100% when I’m below 70%. But what we can do is progress at your 70% until it gets easier; pushing higher and higher. That way, you get to stretch yourself enough to make the necessary progression while never exhausting yourself trying to move at a pace that is too high to continually sustain at your present moment.




And this is what I feel creates the foundation for lasting relationships. Pace and patience. Establish a set pace to travel along and be patient as the milestones come to you; rather than racing towards them. A steady pace allows us to create the memories, build the harmonies and solidify the longevity for the long haul. I feel that we should restructure our minds to focus on paces instead of time frames. A pace and a step are synonymous at times and a journey of 1000 miles begins with one step…one pace. Are we pacing ourselves for the finish line or are we racing to it; trying to beat the clock? Who knows? You decide…but, as always, it’s not definitive law or anything. Just my perspective and what not…dig me?

Peace, Love, Knowledge and Freedom.

SN: If you enjoy my writing and my thoughts you will definitely enjoy my book So Frail: A Reality to Black Male Masculinity. It’s a must read!!! You will not be disappointed. Get your now: https://store.bookbaby.com/book/So-Frail1

Comments

Jessica Lee said…
You just "social worked" relationships. In the field, we rely on assisting clients by "meeting them where they are" and building plans/goals based on their current functioning. As that functioning increases, new tasks are introduced and self-efficacy is increased. In this case, relationship efficacy is increased. I'll admit, I met my husband as a child (19) and we've been together for 12 years this year and I struggled with the concept of time in our relationship. "We've been together x yrs and we aren't ______" once I stepped out of what we hadn't done as far as tangible thinhs, I appreciated the growth we'd made as people, individually and collectively. And I also learned how to communicate with him in ways that he can receive. I can suggest all day that he read a book I recommend (s/o So Frail... lol) but if he's not interested it's just gonna be a recommendation. If he sees me reading it and interested, he wants to know more (i.e he's read the book... lol). But going through the stages to learn each other's pace is essential. Not only for growth but for communication sake.
Judaea Payne said…
well thank you i'm happy that you enjoyed this story
The example discussed about pacing in a relationship using the speed of cars was a great way to understand making progress in a relationship. I have to admit that I do believe in having time within a relationship. Of course it should not be a cut off of when to be engaged, married, sexual etc. However, in my opinion you only get to know someone through time. Why not have a good idea of the person's personality, common interests, background knowledge etc before becoming seriously committed? I am still trying to understand how people can commit whether it is in a relationship or marriage where they plan to do the majority of learning as they go along. I can understand getting to know one another more after committing but wouldn't knowing them better prior promote a healthier, long-lasting relationship? I met my husband in college and we were friends for four years before we got into a relationship. Everyone is different, but by that time I had gotten to know him on a personal level, connected on various level with common interests, identified many of our differences...etc. I knew that I was in it all the way because of what I learned throughout the years. So, it shouldn't be a time limit, but pacing should really be considered as taking the "time" to truly get to know and connect. Interesting read and stimulating!
Judaea Payne said…
thank you i'm happy you enjoyed the story

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