I remember the day when I truly fell in love with someone, it was June 13th 2015 I couldn’t sleep so I stayed up, and I was just kept looking at him then I mouthed to him (because I wasn’t going to be the first one to say it) that I was in love with him. He literally woke up right after I said it, and he just kept looking at me like he did something wrong, but I just couldn’t be the first one to him that I was in love with him. The feelings were so amazing, but the aftermath was something I wasn’t ready for because I became lost in my love for him. When I love a man, I truly LOVED that man; flaws and all because I’m no angel. But the woman I became was a toxic woman, I was so in love with him that I became blind in my love, furthermore I was no good for him (No, I’m not putting the all the blame on me, I’m saying that when you’re bind in love you causing more corruption then peace). He was all I could think about, and talk about. He was on my mind 24/7, he became a drug that I was addicted to. I put all my attention on him that I forgot about my family needs, and my friend’s needs. He was my high nothing, and could bring me down.
The more I fell in love, the more I felt like I couldn’t be myself. In my mind I thought he wouldn’t like the woman that I truly was. So I hid my true self from him, I felt uncomfortable to show a bit of my own personality to him, or to say something quirky that’s was typically me. In my mind, we were trying to be a long-term relationship so it didn’t makes sense to me feel comfortable enough to be myself just yet. When you feel like you’re hiding your true self from your partner then this is a warning sign that you’re on track to losing yourself in your relationship. And the more I hid me, the more I lost pieces of me. It wasn’t his fault, this is something I won’t ever blame him for because he told me to be myself. But my personality didn’t match him, I was the compete opposite of him. It’s a reason why they say that being in love can be dangerous, when we love someone more than they are willing love us it’s can cause more harm than good. Because love will make you do some crazy shit, you can say that you haven’t been toxic in love before; but when you deny it you are becoming more toxic to your spouse. No one try to be toxic in love, but the more you try to hide it the more dangerous you become. Toxic in love is when you love your spouse more than you love yourself, your life has become all about spouse, and no one else, you are obsessed with your spouse, and everything they do. You claim that you have a life of your own, and you try to convince everyone that he not a major person your life. But actions speaks louder than words, and your actions shows that you're toxic in love.
Sometimes we know that we are lost, but we won’t do anything about. And why? Because we’re afraid of being alone. We’re afraid that when we start expressing our feelings and thoughts or start pursuing our dreams, our partner will feel threatened by this and possibly leave us. It’s important to realize that if your partner really loves you and is committed then he or she will support you in the things that make you truly happy.
When you're afraid of how your partner might respond when you express yourself, Do you feel like your opinion matters less than your partners? Do you wait for your partner to give their opinion before giving yours? If your answer is “yes” then it’s important to realize that your opinion is just as important as your partners and if you don’t express yourself freely, you may start to feel like you’re losing a part of yourself in your relationship. And that why I held my true feelings in, I knew there was some shit I wasn’t cool with but again I felt like if I share my thoughts then he would leave. This is what happened when you love someone, you willing to deal with some problems that bigger than what you can control. But when your partner more important then your own feelings you put aside your own dreams, desires and needs and you do or say anything to make your partner happy, even if you think it’s unreasonable? Putting your partner first and neglecting your own needs and desires is a dangerous thing to do. Although it seems like a loving act, in reality it’s. You need to take care of yourself so that you can be a confident and happy person for your partner. If you don’t do this…you’ll eventually start to lose yourself in your relationship.
It’s up to you now to make the necessary changes in your life and your relationship. Just remember that it’s never too late to claim your identity back. You have the power to choose how you feel in a relationship. You can create your own outcome. And that how I found me again, as I sit back, and look at my mistakes I see how I cause some problems as well. We were two wrong in love, and now I see that. I forgave him for his wrongs, and he forgave me for mine too. Sometimes the love we have to offer can be toxic, even if it’s coming from a loving place. If you have nothing to offer your spouse then that what make your love toxic because all you doing is taking, instead of giving. And that what we both did until there was nothing left to give we drained each other dry. When you’re in love you supposed to give 50-50, and nothing less.
That Is All