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Love Letter From Racine: Real Trust Issues

…you know, I feel it’s an ongoing theme that we rarely acknowledge when it comes to trust and relationships. That theme lies in the fact that most trust issues are a result of our unwillingness to forgive ourselves for the decisions we made. Now, it could be ego or it could be lack of introspection; however, it’s a reality that we allow to control our views of relationships under the guise that we can’t trust other people. The plausible truth is that we can’t trust ourselves. More so, we haven’t forgiven ourselves for the conscious choice we made to be involved with someone who hurt us.

Now, understand that I’m not saying that we are the cause for people being assholes. By no means am I suggesting that. What I am saying is that when the smoke clears and the dust settles, how often do we genuinely sit with ourselves and admit that we made a mistake in our decision making? How often do we reassure ourselves that “It’s okay; we made a mistake…and it’s cool?” It’s very rare that we do this; if we do it at all. But what this does is allow our subconscious mind to take control. Since our childhoods, we developed an instinctive proclivity to fix the mistakes we make. We tend to start over and do it again, but right this time; as we were taught. However, the way the subconscious mind works, it has no true filter to determine when certain principles should, or shouldn’t, be applied to certain details. So when it kicks in, our focus is to fix the mistake we made, somehow. And when it comes to relationships, that’s done one of two ways.

The first being to backslide to the person who hurt us; give the person a second chance. Whether we are willing to admit, or even see it, we are truly doing this for ourselves more than the sake of a relationship and genuinely starting over. We truly don’t want to carry that burden of having a mistake in the back of our minds that couldn’t be fixed. How do I know this to be true? The choice of words we use when it doesn’t work out the second time; or third, fourth or fifth. We say things like “I knew I shouldn’t have given you a second chance” or “I just knew you would do this again and mess it up.” Those phrases flow from subconscious regions in the heat of high emotion. They’re generally not conscious expressions. So the question now becomes, if we knew they were going to do this again, then why did we try again? Who was it really for? Was it to truly have a relationship? Or a means to fix our initial mistake by starting over and doing it right? Who knows? This is just speculative perspective based on observations and communications. I could be wrong, but I could still have a point.

The second way is by forward-sliding to a person of the same TYPE as a means to get it right, based on our “attractions.” One thing about our attractions is that we rarely see through the details to uncover the principles that we need to be seeing. If you were hurt by what you were attracted to, that attraction will continue to hurt you; most times. And that’s what we continually run to; our attraction. Now, I will say ego is heavy here because we use wordage such as “I just want to get it right with somebody.” What we don’t acknowledge is that we want to get it right with someone WE ARE ATTRACTED TO; and rarely are we willing to change our attraction because we like what we like and we’re comfortable with it. What we are attracted to have been developed for the duration of our lives. So it’s easier to remain the same and try to fix the mistake than it is to evaluate our decision making and change it; possibly starting completely from scratch. This, in turn, causes us to repeat a cycle that ends in “All men/women are the same” when the truth is that all men/women we are attracted to are the same. Sure, we may change a few details here and there but the core is the same. Example: I like nerdy chicks (chick is used for dramatic effect; not to objectify women), right. But I get played by a nerdy chick. But rather than saying, I’m not messing with nerdy chicks anymore, I’m going to mess with nerdy chick C because nerdy chick L is the one who played me. Just because I changed a detail, I’m still dealing with the core.

And that’s how we end up the way we do. We attempt to correct the mistake of the core principles by changing the outer details. We don’t want to admit, “I messed up with this person because what I’m attracted to is not good for me; therefore that type of person cannot be good for me.” Instead of doing that, we continue with that type. We just stay on edge and call it “trust issues” because we know that this attraction is bad for us or will cause us issues; yet, we’ll continue on to develop a relationship hoping that those trust issues will go away. Why? Because we don’t want to acknowledge, address and sort out our decision making because it will ultimately require too much out of us. It’s easier for us to continue gambling with the attraction that is giving us the blues because we may just hit the jackpot. But how many times will we crap out in the process. If you can’t hit Black Jack at the table, its okay to leave and try the slots, you know? Trying the same thing, continually, hoping for a different result is insanity…are we insane? Or nah?

But…as always, these are just my thoughts. No definitive law here or anything. Just a bit of observation as to where trust issues really come from and why we continue to have them. I could be wrong, but I definitely have a point.

Peace, love, knowledge and freedom.

SN: If you enjoy my writing and my thoughts you will definitely enjoy my first book So Frail: A Reality to Black Male Masculinity. It’s a must read!!! You will not be disappointed. Get yours now:


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