When the topic of relationships come up between black men and women it's always feel one sided. Some black women are open to a black man advice on love and relationship, but then feel like a black man opinion is not needed because of the standards black men try to set on black women knowing he don't match it. So I called out to one of my favorite writer Racine from Philly this young man is working on a book and his views on love and relationship is very much love. He wrote this amazing piece and I hope you fall in love with it like I did.
Today, the question comes up: Why black men and women don’t believe in love anymore…and for me, I don’t think the issue is that we don’t believe in love anymore. I feel that we don’t believe in each other. On several planes, we have lost faith in one another. We tolerate each other because we have grown to despise the essences that we embody; low or high key.
We see each other as rivals waiting to attack in many regards. It’s evident when our sisters assume “all men are dogs” and our brothers proclaim that “these hoes ain’t loyal.” We first attribute demoralizing images to one another through the medium of dogs and hoes; then we solidify it through the constant expectations of such behavior. These expectations plague us before, during and after our relationships. 1) Before, because we use wordage such as “I like her/him so much. I’m really feeling them but I’m gonna play it cool. You know how bitches/niggas are when you start caring for them.” 2) During, because everything is a side eye or assumed to have a deeper meaning that may or may not be there. For example, and one of the biggest, having friends of the opposite sex. It’s often assumed that something is going on; whether it is or not. And even right now, someone just read that and said, “That’s because it usually is.” In grammar we call that an exclamation mark; a simple, emphatic validation to what was expressed.
And lastly, 3) after. Simply because when the relationship is over after X amount of years with smiles and good times, thoughts of children and marriages, houses and picket fences, meetings of parents and family, we magically “knew they weren’t shit the whole time; but we gave them a chance anyway.” If this is the case, and not just a deflection of the pain we feel, then we kept a lingering notion that this person could not be good for us. Why is this important? Because if the relationship does work and we get married, living happily ever after, we kept that idea in the back of our minds the whole time; thus, potentially, limiting the entire experience we claim we’ve embodied to the fullest…hypothetically though, you know? I’m not saying this is definitive and what not, but it still stands in essence; and it’s very reflective in our relationships.
To get to a position where we can believe in love again, we must believe in each other. This includes healing relationships with our mothers and fathers. As they serve as our templates, we seek to embody our relationships through what we felt through them. If we haven’t healed or made positive relationships with those who had the greatest influence on our perceptions of love, we will never embody those higher levels of love. If my father has convinced me that the greatest woman I will ever know is evil, what chance do I have at finding a good woman? If my mother has convinced me that the greatest man I’ll ever know wasn’t shit, what chance do I have at finding a good man? If neither parent set a good example for me, how am I supposed to find a good person to harmonize with? These things are in the subconscious minds of our people and we must restructure what images we put into our minds. To love without reserves, we must do more than tolerate each other. We must embody a better perspective regarding our counterparts and we must believe in each other. Then we can believe in relationships with each other. Then we can believe in love with one another and start loving again. Until then, “Niggas ain’t shit …and bitches ain’t either.”
SN: No, I do not condone referring to each other as niggas/bitches, dogs/hoes, etc. This is strictly for the use of putting things into the perspective I present to deliver the point…Also, this is a small, surfaced reality of the of why we are at odds with one another. This is simply a starting point of consideration. Not a definitive law; as there is sooo much more to discuss in regards to our relationships. This a simple starting point. We must dig deeper family. Peace, love, knowledge and freedom.