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Love Strong or War zone

Have you ever noticed that one couple on Facebook that is forever arguing? Do you have a friend that is always calling you to vent about an argument they've had with their significant other? Could you actually, by chance, be the Facebook couple or the venting friend and not even realize it?

A lot of us see it and a lot of us do it. Unfortunately, people in this generation are starting to think that other than sex, arguing is what legitimizes relationships. We have almost successfully normalized narcissism, insecurity, dysfunction, and violence. We idolize it! However, I would like to reassure you that it is perfectly possible to have a real, legitimate, authentic, genuine relationship without the constant arguing and fighting.
*Some men have confused women into thinking that crazy women are more worthy of attention...* A lot of us have started to notice that men seem to LOVE "crazy bitches". She vandalizes his property, she constantly endangers his life, and she stalks him every opportunity she gets... But he still stays with her and gives her the attention that she is seeking.

 Do not be fooled by the smoke and mirrors. There are a few things you need to know before using this tactic in order to keep a man. #1 you should never reduce yourself to acting out in that way when that is not your personality. Don't change yourself into what you think men want because that is a sure way to remain heartbroken for the rest of your life. Wearing a facade just to say you have a man is desperate and miserable. #2 you see him with her physically, but the truth is... He is probably seeking a way out and is already gone emotionally. Honestly, she is probably already aware of this, which is why she has to continue her shenanigans in order to keep him there a little while longer. That relationship is not fulfilling to either of them and they both know it. #3 if you have children or plan on having them, that would not be a good environment to bring them up in. Seeing their parents fight each other like animals programs the children to think that violence and love go hand-in-hand; if people in their family don't respect each other, they DEFINITELY won't respect those outside of the family. #4 men are easily bored, but being crazy is only a temporary solution to that problem. Sex won't fix it, arguing won't fix it, and putting each other's lives in danger DEFINITELY won't fix it. Sex is everywhere, fighting is tiring, and putting someone's life in danger is... Well... A sure way to end up in jail or 6ft under... Or is it 8? I'm not sure.

Anyway, what you need to do in order to keep a man's attention is be a woman of substance, but most importantly, be yourself. Ultimately, what a man wants are mental stimulation and someone that can show him new things about himself and the world. Disclaimer: you have to be able to do this in a way that he doesn't realize he is being taught. #Free Game
*You guys may be confused on the difference between passion and violence...* I've seen the memes on social media... There are people in our generation that sincerely think that the more anger your significant other directs towards you, the more they care.

If you are under this impression, you are sadly mistaken. Maybe that person simply doesn't know how to control their anger and/or doesn't know how to maturely communicate their feelings. This is breeding grounds for a dysfunctional relationship and could potentially become abuse. Be mindful of the things you allow to slide without questioning it.

*Constant arguing shows that one of you are insecure and afraid... Your significant other can't talk on the phone without you asking who it is. They can't text or use social media without you peeking over their shoulder. You are constantly questioning them about people that you suspect may want them. You curse them out if they don't respond to your texts as fast as you would like them to. You all them stupid questions that you know you won't like the answer to.

Listen. At that point, you are no longer this person's significant other. You are their overseer and they probably feel trapped by YOUR insecurities. There's no wonder you guys always argue when you make your partner feel like they always have to be on defense. At that point, you want to ask yourself, "why am I in a relationship with this person if I don't trust them?" In your heart you know that this person isn't doing anything wrong but it makes you feel better, because constantly policing them gives you a false sense of control over their future decisions. Basically, what I’m saying is that policing your partner is not going to prevent them from cheating if they are going to cheat on you. So why don't you just enjoy and embrace the relationship until they have actually given you a reason to question them.

*You're probably being cheated on...* Now I know that you are thinking that this statement contradicts the previous statement I made about insecurities. However, there is a difference between someone being insecure and someone using projection as a defense mechanism; you have to silently observe your partner in order to pinpoint the signs. I know that we have all either experience or witnessed a healthy relationship that is, seemingly overnight, ruined by frequent petty arguments and guilt trips. That person is probably cheating. However, instead of ending the relationship and being labeled "the bad guy" for wanting someone else, that person would much rather drive their significant other away using a painfully slow process.

So they start accusing you of cheating, they start fussing about who ate the last bit of cereal, they are moody only when you come around, and basically, they make you feel like everything you do is wrong. Sweetie, it’s not you. Your partner just needs an excuse to end the relationship and they are too cowardice to be straight up with you. Period.

*Yall's communication skills might just suck...* Fortunately for you, this can be easily repaired. If your love for each other is genuine and both of you are willing to be teachable, you can see a counselor or a trained mediator to help you guys become better at talking to each other. In the meantime, here are 3 tips to get you started... #1 Be mindful of your tone of voice and do not yell at each other, for these are actions that cause emotions to fly out of control. When confronting your significant other about something, make sure you approach them calmly and begin by telling them how your recent observations of their behavior affect your feelings.

#2 if your significant other approaches you about something, it is only fair that you listen to them in an attempt to understand where they are coming from instead of listening just to have a response. #3 when expressing your grievances, work on finding solutions to one person's grievances at a time. This avoids the opportunity for the other person to deflect blame and responsibility for how they make you feel. It also gives each person to have all of their grievances heard and answered. #4 before having a discussion that has the potential to breed anger, make sure that you guys have eaten and are sitting in comfortable positions. #4 every discussion should always be started with intent on ending it with a solution. The solution should be something that each of you are comfortable with. A lot of times lopsided compromise leads to resentment... And resentment is a ticking time bomb.
Please be mindful of whether your relationship is a war zone or not. Once you figure out the dynamic of your relationships and your role in them, you will be able to attract love of the highest value. Then you can finally experience a happiness, peace, and freedom that you have never before experienced being in a relationship.

Written by Cande M.

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